Toni Babcock
For a Christian this can be especially challenging. You are tempted to give your abusive coworker a piece of your mind when the talons appear, but you also want to be tolerant and understanding. If you are like me, you struggle with the need to be more assertive and defend yourself when wronged, but you have an instant doormat reflex that locks your mouth shut and prevents you from standing up for yourself just when you need to. That makes you easy pickin's.
It may be small comfort to know you are probably not the only one on your difficult person's rabble roster of easy victims. At a former workplace several years ago, four or five cheese crackers went missing from a box sitting near the coffee pot. Those crackers were only for office staff and company clients, according to my difficult coworker who was evidently self-promoted to snack Nazi. Unbelievable as it sounds, a cracker count was evidently being maintained. The night janitor became the prime suspect, and an inquisition took place - the poor man.
One afternoon I placed some mail on my coworker's desk too sloppily. I was in a hurry, and tossed it slightly askew. I was not trying to be irritating, nor was I aware I had done anything wrong. Big mistake. I was dressed down for my disrespectful behavior. When another package came in a couple days later, I walked over to pick it up and deliver it to the correct party, trying to be helpful. Big mistake number two. The package was angrily snatched out of my hand. "I'll do it," my coworker snapped through grit teeth. I was clueless as to why I was so enraging to this person. A customer had just walked in the office and witnessed the scene in high definition. Eyebrows were raised. That is when I decided I had to say something. After the client left, I made my case as to how humiliating and unprofessional it was to be treated that way in front of a customer. Then I talked to our supervisor about it.
The next day an unbelievable transformation took place before my eyes. I was amazed to discover that because I stood up for myself, I was treated with respect. My coworker apologized by saying "Sorry if I offended you Toni. You must realize I have a very strong personality. People have had to talk to me about this before." It was like a kum-by-ya moment. What's this? So this is what standing up for yourself feels like - respect? I was totally unprepared for hearing my coworker admit to a flaw and offer an apology even if it was a tad weak on the sorry spectrum. I was so self-respect starved, I didn't care. I wasn't about to complain at this point. I think this was the first time I actually stood up to bullying, and got respect as a result. I didn't have to be mean, or unkind, or nasty about how I presented my case, I just needed to be honest and assertive, and it worked.
I expected there would be a relapse however, and there a few "moments" of contention afterwards, but now I knew my coworker was as vulnerable as I was and not so scary, and I grew to feel more empathy and less resentment. I decided to see if I could succeed in totally disarming future attacks through compliments. I noted aloud one day how great it was to have "new blood" in the office, and how things seemed to be running so much smoother since my coworker was hired. My compliments were lapped up - it was working! And I noticed the more I complimented the less resentment I felt for the insults I had endured. I also grew less concerned about leviathan rising up out of the murky mist and swallowing me up whole.
Soon my coworker and I were getting along like old friends. I was learning an age old truth that "When a man's ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him," (Proverbs 16:7 ESV).
Comments