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I was in a mood trying to write to yall from this overly Christian place. I was starting to feel discouraged because I didn't feel like a Christian should as if there was a monolithic Christian experience. In all honesty, every day is not happy and beautiful, and in this season of rediscovery for me, I am going to take yall on this trip with me. May we all find what we are looking for. I guess this one is for the creatives, the poets, and songwriters. Yall will feel me more than most. Aiight Tribe, love yall for real. 

I don't want to be a toxic Christian. I don't have all of the answers. I don't want to be around people that do. I want to be around people that want to find them with me. I like odysseys and journeys. I don't give unsolicited advice and I can't teach forgiveness yet because I haven't forgiven some key folk in my life that have been instrumental in my demise at one time...including myself. I'm not gracious to myself or even real with myself. I live in a bubble pretending everything is fine when it in fact is not.

 I do not want to be a toxic Christian so don't ask me to interpret God's word yet because right now my faith is shaky and I want so badly to be souled out for the Lord but honestly my soul is tired and worn out. I want to replenish myself but I spend too much time trying to pour into others. I want to be intentional but intentionally pulled myself away from this tragedy we call "service"

I’m a broken piece of a person

I have lived broken for so long that whole feels foreign.

My hands don’t look real to me

Trying to repair things I don’t have the skills to 

But these cuts scars and bruises feel familiar. I'm really close to the pain we have been kicking it for a while

But I’m trying not to be toxic breaking others because I’m inconsistent and cant fix it. Tarnishing others because I’m tainted. 

Ruining lives because I’m bored with church lately. 

I want to experience whole so I can teach others to become it

I want to taste real freedom so I can feed starving people as Jesus did with fish

If I am called to do this, I need time to learn and grow and become a Christian all over again because I'm not doing this right. 

I spend so much time trying to convince others that I'm a believer that I don't spend time believing. 

Inactive faith

Uncultivated gifts

Hidden talents

Spiritually bound and blocked up

Stockholm syndrome

Mental illness

Depression

Death

Toxic Christian